The Official Rules of the Riverdale High River Vixens
by susieboo
Summary: A Google Doc viewed (and edited) by the River Vixens team, detailing all the laws they must abide by. ...Sort of. [Oneshot. Humor.]


**OFFICIAL RULES OF THE RIVERDALE HIGH RIVER VIXENS**

 _ **Document owned by:**_ _CherylBombshell_

 _ **Document editable for:**_ _[GROUP: River Vixens]_

 ** _Document_** _**viewable for:**_ _[GROUP: River Vixens], [GROUP: Bulldogs], JugheadJones_

* * *

1\. River Vixens practice is at 4 PM every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday.

2\. Any River Vixen who is late to practice more than three times in a semester will be removed from the team.

2a. Unless, apparently, that person is Cheryl Blossom, because who needs to follow their own rules, right?

2b. All River Vixens should remember that their captain is a very busy woman who has a lot on her mind, and has very good reasons for being late.

3\. Due to complaints at our last pep rally, Meghan Trainor's music is no longer allowed to be used for our routines.

4\. River Vixens should respect and help one another.

4a. River Vixens should not audibly laugh, snicker, giggle, or snort when rule 4 is mentioned.

4b. And neither should Jughead Jones.

5\. For the fourteen reasons detailed in the document "The Homecoming Incident of 2016," pyrotechnics will _not_ be permitted at pep rallies this year.

6\. River Vixens are no longer permitted to twerk in their routines.

7\. Veronica Lodge is not permitted to punch Cheryl Blossom in the teeth during practice.

7a. Or ever.

7b. And neither is Betty Cooper.

7c. If Cheryl Blossom doesn't want to get punched, maybe she should try _being less of a bitch all the time_.

7d. Veronica Lodge is no longer permitted to edit this document.

8\. River Vixens are not permitted to hold the captain's favorite pair of shoes hostage until they're allowed to edit the rules document again.

8a. And yet, I still have permissions again...

8b. River Vixens are to refer to themselves in the third person in the rules document.

8c. Why?

8d. Because I said so, that's why.

8e. AMENDMENT: Because the captain says so, that's why.

8f: Ha, we _all_ saw that one, Cheryl.

8g: Shut up, Ginger.

9\. Under threat of expulsion, the River Vixens must put an end to their blood feud with the marching band.

9a. ...Why are we in a blood feud with the marching band?

9b. I'll explain later, Ronnie.

10\. To avoid any further lost time, arguments, and broken bones, the results of the 2017 Oscars are no longer allowed to be discussed during practice.

10a. MOANA WAS ROBBED!

10b. Veronica Lodge is no longer permitted to edit this document.

11\. The River Vixens are no longer permitted to refer to Cheryl Blossom's menstrual cycle as Shark Week.

11a. Freshmen on the squad are no longer permitted to snitch to the captain about what we call her period when she's not around.

11b. The captain would like to remind freshmen on the squad that the rewards for being loyal to the captain are great.

11c. Other members of the squad would like to remind freshmen that _snitches get stitches_.

12\. In light of recent Veronica Lodge is now allowed to edit this document.

12a. What recent events?

12b. None of your business.

12c. She got caught by surprise during Shark Week and I wouldn't give her a tampon unless she agreed to give me my permissions back.

12d. See rule 11, please.

12e. Fuck off, Jaws.

13\. If Jughead Jones wishes to continue to observe River Vixens practice, he is no longer permitted to flinch or cringe every time the Vixens discuss periods. You are not twelve, Mister Jones.

14\. River Vixens are no longer permitted to argue with Principal Weatherbee about what counts as twerking.

15\. In light of what happened at Ginger's Halloween party, Cheryl Blossom is no longer allowed to rap under any circumstances.

15a. Especially not after five shots of tequila.

15b. Cheryl Blossom would like to protest this rule and call for its removal.

15c. After reviewing the footage from the Halloween party and a vote, the squad turns down Cheryl's request.

15d. After reviewing the footage herself with newfound sobriety, Cheryl Blossom would officially like to say, "Never mind."

16\. Contrary to rumors spread by Jughead Jones, Thornhill is _not_ haunted.

16a. Hi, guys, Betty here, editing on Jughead's behalf. He'd like to ask if Cheryl has any proof.

16b. Tell Jughead that it's impossible to prove a negative, and he knows it.

17\. River Vixens are no longer permitted to take a shot every time Cheryl brings up her brother.

17a. AMENDMENT: River Vixens are no longer permitted to take a shot of _alcohol_ every time Cheryl brings up her brother, due to risks of liver poisoning. Using water, tea, soda, or lemonade is permitted.

17b. What about Red Bull?

17c. After consulting Web MD, no, not Red Bull.

18\. Following the incident at last night's pep rally: River Vixens are no longer permitted to take a shot of _anything_ every time Cheryl brings up her brother.

19\. Kim Wong would like to introduce a motion to never bring up the incident at last night's pep rally ever again. _Ever_.

19a. Motion granted.

20\. Jughead Jones is no longer permitted to type on his laptop during practice, as the acoustics in the gym make the noise very distracting.

20a. Betty here! He says we could get earplugs.

20b. Tell him Cheryl has a few places where he could shove some earplugs.

20c. Betty again. He says, "Kinky."

21\. Cheryl Blossom would like to introduce a motion to ban Jughead Jones from sitting in on River Vixens practice.

21a. Motion denied.

22\. Cheryl Blossom would like to introduce a motion to ban Jughead Jones from _talking_ during River Vixens practice.

22a. Motion granted.

22b. I can't believe you voted "yes" on this, V.

22c. It's for the greater good. Tell him I said sorry.

22d. Juggie says he forgives you.

23\. Betty Cooper would like to introduce a motion to allow Jughead Jones to edit this document, as she is tired of having to edit on Jughead's behalf.

23a. Motion denied.

23b. Betty Cooper would like to request that the River Vixens actually get to _vote_ on this before it is denied.

23c. Cheryl Blossom would like to offer this compromise: _no_.

23d. That's not a compromise.

24\. At the orders of Sheriff Keller, the River Vixens are officially reminded that the legal drinking age is _not_ "more like a suggestion."

25\. In the event that Cheryl Blossom is ever temporarily removed from her position as captain again, Veronica Lodge is not permitted to instill a "socialist democracy" in her place.

25a. VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

26\. After a meeting with the GSA, it has been determined that Veronica Lodge is not permitted to use the phrase "my best gay" in reference to Kevin Keller ever again.

26a. Betty Cooper would like to introduce an amendment that in that case, Cheryl Blossom is not allowed to call Veronica a "fag hag" ever again.

26b. Does it even count as being a fag hag when I'm bi myself?

26c. Ha. "Bi myself." That's funny.

26d. All bi myseeeeeeelf... I don't wanna be all bi myseeeeeelf...

26e. Veronica Lodge is no longer permitted to edit this document.

27\. River Vixens are no longer permitted to start petitions to "reclaim our right to twerk" and circulate them around school.

28\. Dabbing is _never_ permitted.

29\. Because she is the principal's niece, Veronica Lodge is not permitted to drunkenly hit on Wendy Weatherbee, even if she is "a hot little piece."

29a. Betty here. Veronica says this is discrimination.

29b. I don't care.

30\. In light of recent events, Monopoly is hereby banned at the River Vixen's parties.

31\. In the event that the fire extinguisher catches on fire during practice again, the appropriate response is to evacuate the gym and call 911, not take a picture and tweet it.

32\. All River Vixens are required to follow Cheryl Blossom's Twitter.

32a. In that case, maybe Cheryl shouldn't tweet spoilers for Game of Thrones.

32b. Cheryl would like to remind Liz that it's her account and she can tweet whatever she wants.

32c. Betty Cooper would like to offer the compromise that Cheryl can tweet spoilers 48 hours after the episode airs.

32d. Cheryl would like to offer this counter-compromise: fuck off.

32e. That's not a compromise.

33\. Insulting someone's mother during practice is not permitted.

33a. AMENDMENT: With Betty Cooper's sign-off, insulting Alice Cooper is permitted, so long as Betty does it first.

34\. At Josie McCoy's request, River Vixens are hereby forbidden to grab a guitar and smash it during a pep rally, no matter how "rockin'" it looks.

35\. In light of recent events, Veronica Lodge is now permitted to edit this document.

35a. And before you all ask: she punched Chuck Clayton in the face, which was deemed awesome enough for me to waive the ban.

35b. Did anyone record it?

35c. I did, I'll email it to you, Penny.

36\. Holding seances to contact Jason Blossom's spirit is no longer permitted.

36a. Even on Halloween.

36b. _Especially_ on Halloween.

37\. River Vixens are no longer permitted to sell oregano to freshmen, claiming it's pot.

38\. Cheryl Blossom cannot _believe_ she has to say this, but River Vixens are also not permitted to sell _actual_ pot.

39\. Moonwalking is not outright forbidden, but generally frowned upon, and should only be used in dire circumstances.

40\. Cheryl Blossom is forbidden from throwing a shoe at Jughead Jones' face, no matter how obnoxious he's being, so long as he does not break rule 22.

41\. Air guitar should be used in moderation.

42\. As a general rule, one should not "guesstimate" how much they weigh when we're constructing a pyramid.

43\. Veronica Lodge is no longer permitted to do her routine blindfolded.

43a. Not even "for the Vine."

43b. Especially not at tomorrow's pep rally.

44\. We take it back, that was _awesome_.

45\. It is _not_ funny to leave messages for Cheryl, claiming to be Jason speaking to her from beyond the grave.

46\. It is also not funny to "haunt" Penelope and Clifford Blossom, claiming to be Jason seeking revenge from beyond the grave.

46a. Yes, it is.

47\. Smoking pot is _not_ a "team bonding exercise."

48\. For the sake of our friendships, neither is Mario Kart.

49\. Betty Cooper would like to introduce a motion to allow Jughead Jones to talk during practices again, as it's been a month.

49a. Motion granted.

50\. Fanfiction about the River Vixens is not permitted, as it is not flattering.

50a. AMENDMENT: Fanfiction about Veronica Lodge is okay, as she finds it _incredibly_ flattering.

51\. Cheryl and Veronica's arguments are _not_ "brimming with sexual tension."

52\. Texting during a routine is both unprofessional and unsafe, and is no longer permitted, if it ever was.

53\. River Vixens are no longer permitted to sell their uniforms to middle-aged men online, no matter how much they offer.

53a. I got an offer for **[AMOUNT REDACTED]**.

53b. Never mind.

54\. By order of Principal Weatherbee, rule 53 is still in effect, _no matter how much they offer_.

55\. River Vixens are no longer permitted to refer to Archie Andrews as "Troy Bolton," no matter how apt the comparison is.

56\. When asked by the school paper, the following are not acceptable answers to, "Who is your role model?", even as a joke.

56a. Kim Kardashian

56b. Amy Dunne

56c. Genghis Khan

56d. Lucretia Borgia

56e. Darth Vader

56f. Melania Trump

56g. Geraldine Grundy

57\. Voodoo is only permitted for the use of financial gain, not petty revenge.

58\. Dark magic, however, is always encouraged.

59\. By order of Sheriff Keller, River Vixens are required to come forward if they know something about the murder of Jason Blossom.

59a. Even if they promised to keep quiet with a blood pact.

60\. Blood pacts are no longer permitted on the squad.

61\. Betty Cooper would like to introduce a motion to stop calling Jughead Jones "Suicide Squad."

61a. Cheryl Blossom would like to offer this compromise: tell Suicide Squad to go fuck himself with his old, ratty beanie.

62\. Betty Cooper would like to introduce a motion to make sure the captain knows what a compromise even _is_.

63\. Cheryl Blossom is no longer permitted to tell anyone to go fuck themselves with a hat, even during Shark Week.

63a. Please see rule 11.

64\. In light of what happened at Veronica Lodge's birthday party, spin the bottle is no longer an acceptable party activity.

64a. Unless we're all so drunk we won't remember it anyway.

64b. No, Veronica.

65\. Contrary to worryingly popular belief, the Blossom twins were _not_ incestuous. Perpetrating this propaganda will result in your immediate removal.

66\. Veronica Lodge is no longer allowed access to Red Bull.

66a. That's fair.

67\. Whoever is responsible for selling "Team Cheronica" and "Team Cheroise" shirts to the rest of the school is asked to cease and desist, under threat of further investigation.

67a. AMENDMENT: Reggie, we all know it's you. Now knock it off.

67b. Veronica here. Reggie says he'll stop if you buy him one pizza a week for the rest of the school year.

67c. No.

68\. River Vixens are not permitted to buy or wear the shirts mentioned in rule 67.

68a. But it matches my eyes!

68b. I don't care, Veronica.

69\. This number reminds me - River Vixens are not permitted to snicker whenever this number comes up. It's not Tom's fault he got that number jersey.

70\. Under threat of expulsion, skinny-dipping in Sweetwater River is no longer considered to be a "group bonding activity."

71\. Moon shoes are hereby banned from River Vixens practice, for safety reasons.

71a. As are heels over six inches.

71b. And tube tops.

71c. And clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch. (That's just on principle.)

72\. Meditation is a great group bonding exercise and a good way to get centered before a pep rally. It is not, quote, "pussy-ass bullshit."

72a. Whatever. Miss me with that pussy-ass bullshit.

73\. Veronica Lodge is no longer permitted to table dance during River Vixens group outings, even if she's had several shots of tequila and people are throwing singles at her.

74\. Following the Sneeze Barf Incident of 2017, Taco Bell is no longer considered an acceptable part of a River Vixen's diet.

75\. Hookups between River Vixens are not permitted to occur at Cheryl Blossom's parties. Particularly not in Cheryl's bed.

75a. YOU CAN'T STOP OUR LOVE!

75b. Veronica Lodge and Betty Cooper are no longer permitted to edit this document.


End file.
